Pastors navigate various levels of confidentiality and discretion in their work. He needs to withhold or share appropriate detail with the church, with the elders, and with his wife.
Much of this also applies to elders and deacons, in their ministries.
Confidentiality and the pastor's wife:
Many are surprised that my wife does not know something that they told me 2-3 weeks ago. It's a common virtue signal of a healthy marriage among evangelicals: "I tell my wife everything." So church members often assume the pastor's wife knows everything the pastor knows. But the pastorate is a valid exception to this. My default position is to NOT tell my wife about specific pastoral situations, or even news people don't want broadcast to the whole church. If you don't want to broadcast it, I usually don't tell my wife or the elders, either.
Some pastors might not tell their wives, because they know she has looser lips than she should. That is not our problem at all, and every pastor's wife should get wisdom about discretion in this area. But even if she is perfectly discrete, it is just harder on her than it needs to be, for her to know every problem in the church, to the same detail that her husband knows. As with every vocation, pastors shoulder burdens that their wives don't need to know all about. This also helps her to be as much a "regular" church member as anyone else.
Now, there are certainly times when the pastor benefits from explaining a situation and getting his wife's wisdom to do his job. But that is not the case every time, nor should it be. She is not ordained to the office of Pastor's Wife, nor is she a quasi-Elder. But she is his helper in his pastoral mission.
Here is an attempted list of levels, from highest to lowest clearance:
1. Top secret. Objectively sensitive.
Someone shares quietly, one on one, that they suffered some abuse or trauma 3 years ago. It's been dealt with legally, but it's very sensitive. Marriage counseling and personal sexual issues probably fall into this category, too. Unless they say I can, I don't tell anyone, and I don't usually ask if I may. I may tell the elders or my wife in very vague terms that there are some deep wounds or struggles there, if they are members, but that I can't go into detail.
2. Secret. Subjectively sensitive.
A church member shares a fairly routine parenting or other pastoral difficulty, but they obviously have a lot of shame and sensitivity over it. This is something I'd usually feel free to share with the elders, but I'll ask them if it's okay first. Sometimes people are horrified to share a personal problem with their pastor, even though that's God's design in the church. They can need time to realize the church is a place for help, and not harmful exposure. I may not even ask, if they are really upset, and just keep it to myself. Maybe get someone involved who can help them, if I can't. I might share this with my wife, but tell her it's confidential.
3. Discrete.
A regular pastoral difficulty (whatever that is). I'll share it with the elders and maybe my wife, if it is urgent and needs more counsel than I've been able to help with. Or as part of our monthly shepherding list review as elders. Sometimes getting another family involved who can help, with their consent, widens the circle of confidentiality a bit.
4. Unrepentant sin.
If a member is flouting their sin or unbelief to me, or won't talk to me about it when the offense is clear, and I don't resolve it in a short time, I NEED to get the elders involved. In the case of #3 above, I normally share it but may not for a while, depending on how acute the issue is. With major unrepentant sin, I HAVE to share it with the elders. And if it doesn't get resolved with them, the Session has to proceed to discipline, which would involve telling the church, too.
a. Sidenote on discipline: Two factors may prevent required discipline, as I just asserted: membership and attendance status, and the nature of the sin. If they are technically members but have been absent a long time, there might be a wiser course than official church discipline. If the severity of the sin does not clearly call for excommunication, some sort of admonition and erasure of membership might be better.
5. Happy news!
Sometimes people share good news with their pastor, but they don't want to announce it just yet. Pregnancy is the usual one here, but there are others. I just wait for their cue, or ask a bit later if it's time to share it. Occasionally I'll share this with the elders and wife ahead of time, making sure they know it isn't out in the open, yet. But NOT if there's a sensitive issue, like a previous miscarriage, unless they say I may.
6. The "open secret."
Sometimes I hear news that others already know, and when I talk to them directly, they just don't want it on the official prayer list. So I won't volunteer the news to others, but if I realize someone knows, I'll talk about it with them. Many people seem to like this level, but it's quite confusing to me. Who knows? Who doesn't? How do I manage this well in the whole body? As the "official" guy, I also get a sense that I'm in the dark on a lot of items in this category fairly often. Sometimes the pastor's wife needs to let him in on the news that all the ladies have known for three weeks. Not good, but it's how life goes, sometimes.
7. "Tell everybody"
Time to say it at announcement time and/or put in on the prayer list, as appropriate.
8. The legal requirement
If physical harm has been done, or is a serious impending possibility, the pastor needs to call the police. This one is extremely sensitive and provocative, as you often wind up with state intervention in a family over spousal or sexual issues. When someone discloses it to the pastor, he needs to investigate immediately and make a judgment call, usually within hours, whether to call the authorities.
- there are times he does NOT call the police. It's a severe pastoral problem, but not a criminal one. Example: The husband has an ongoing anger problem toward his wife, and she comes to the pastor because she is getting scared of him. It may be better for her to go stay with a friend or relative for a night or two, instead of calling the police too soon. The husband's response will show what to do next.
- sometimes the pastor knows he needs to call the police, but the person doesn't want that. This one is HARD. The pastor should prevent this from happening, if at all possible. If he senses they may tell him something criminal, he might offer that he will need to involve the authorities if needed. Sometimes they ask, "Can you keep a secret? Is this confidential?" That is an obvious clue, and the pastor should ALWAYS say something like, "I cannot promise absolute confidentiality. If there is something criminal, I'm calling the cops. Aside from that, I will be as discrete as possible." This often sets the person more at ease as they think, "Well my situation is bad, but it isn't near CRIMINAL, at least."
The church should never cover up crimes in the name of pastoral confidentiality. A quick study of your state's laws regarding domestic violence, and sexual abuse especially within families, can be very enlightening. Pastors are not typically well-versed in the law, so are prone to get details wrong, here. An elder or deacon, or fellow pastor, who is well-versed, can be an invaluable asset.
9. The major decision, criticism, or public attack.
There are times for the pastor's family to circle the wagons, and discuss the church in a way that isn't appropriate for the church or the Session to hear. These should be quite rare. Maybe criticism of him is spilling into officer's families and causing friction among older children. Or the pastor is contemplating a move to another church calling, and needs to tell the kids, or get their input. He should be talking in depth with just his wife for a while leading up to this. He is going to talk to his children about criticism of him that they are hearing at church, very differently than he will talk to the church at large about it. When trust has been lost with the Session in such situations, pastors will get input from other pastors and mentors and their wives, more than from the Session. He will lean more toward informing them of his decisions, instead of seeking their counsel. This is dysfunctional, but understandable, when church officers show themselves to be working against the pastor, instead of for him (even in constructive criticism.)
Conclusion
When you come to your pastor with a concern or personal problem that affects others, realize he is called to shepherd the whole church, not just you. Our lives affect each other, and sometimes someone else has a solution to your problem.
Ask yourself why you really want to tell the pastor about this. Are you genuinely seeking guidance? Asking for prayer? Just need a listening ear, and to unload a burden? Telling him which of these it is can help a great deal. Are you actually motivated to indirectly criticize someone else?
Hopefully this gives you a sense of how varied and complicated people problems are that face your pastor. Pray for him! Let him know you do.
