So my wife and I have been taking ballroom dancing classes on and off the last few months.
Wow.
First, I didn’t realize how out of shape I was, but we’ll set that aside…
Ballroom dancing is kinetic marriage counseling.
The man has to know the steps of the dance and be willing to lead his wife – literally have her move how she wants him to. To do this well, he has to signal clearly, ahead of time, so she knows what to do. If he doesn’t, the dance falls apart.
Both he and she may know the options – what steps are possible to do – but if he doesn’t lead, she’s lost. They are both lost.
This doesn’t mean she is helpless without him, just that she has a role, and so does he. The dance instructors literally call this being a “lead” and a “follow.” A movie I like, “Shall We Dance?” with Richard Gere and Angelina Jolie, puts this well. Speaking to the man, the instructor says, “You are the frame. She is the picture.” His job in leading her is not to dominate and keep her under, but to glorify her. “Show me, and everyone, your stuff. You can do so much. Show us what you can do.”
If you mess up the steps of the dance, of life, you can literally and physically hurt her, stepping on her toes, etc. Men, you’ve gotta know what to do, and take the action to do it. Else you fall on the floor together. Or there’s no dance at all.
From the woman’s perspective:
Women are often the ones who drag their guys to ballroom dancing classes, thinking it’ll be good for him and them. And it will. But she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.
Suddenly she has to let him lead. If she tries to take over, the dance falls apart. When she lets him lead, it’s beautiful, and she is beautified. It’s a huge struggle for her in life and on the dance floor, to wait for him to figure it out, and do the correct steps together.
Back to the man.
I’ve said “let him lead” a lot. But the steps aren’t wholly determined by the guy, either. There’s a specific way you’re supposed to lead. (It’s defined in the Bible quite clearly.) The man doesn’t create the dance – he’s following a clearly defined tradition. Each dance – waltz, swing, cha cha, samba, etc. – has its specifically defined steps. If he’s doing it wrong, she’s not out of bounds to stop the dance and say, “That’s not how we do this. Get it right.” She should do this in their relationship, too, if he’s out of bounds.
The minute and subtle details of dance are very telling. The man has to know two or three steps ahead of time (1-2 seconds), what he wants the next step to be. And he has to signal clearly to her one or two steps ahead of time what to do. Then she can be ready and joyfully follow. Is there a major budget, housing, or job change needed in the family? Make it clear, and get her on board. If you just go off and do something and she’s in the dark, or if it’s the wrong step, the dance will fall apart.
Sometimes the man gives a clear signal, but she makes a wrong step – she wanted or expected to do something else. He says, “That was a good signal I gave you,” and it’s on her for not following. But sometimes the man isn’t sure what to do next, so they’re in a holding pattern, or she’s confused and she says, “You’ve gotta tell me where we’re going.” And that’s on him.
Besides all this, the best thing about dance is that you get to hold each other, and look at one another face to face for an extended period of time. You adore each other. (Sometimes you’re frustrated with each other.) There’s a sexual/erotic aspect to it sometimes, but not always. You talk about the mistakes you just made. Figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it. Then you come back together and try again.
Give ballroom dance a try together.
The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde
