This is from Remy Wilkins, on an email list. I thought it was good and he gave permission there to pass it on.
"One of the things that gets lost in the headship emphasis is the role of friendship in marriage. Whatever else can be said about a husband that leads with a list of rules, we can add that he isn't a friend to his wife. "I know in talking with N______ that when he hears talk of Jesus the friend he gets a case of robust willies, but it is important to maintain both the friend and family bond in Christ. This is because the bond between friends isn't as strong as the bond between family. The familial bond can take all sorts of abuse and can even be ignored for long stretches of time and still exist, but the friend bond is conditional and thus more fragile. Cares must be taken with a friend. "At some point the talk of the church being a family and you don't get to pick your family isn't helpful. Family is family, but friends take work. "In a broken marriage it is a benefit to rely on the family aspect to begin the repair, but it can be a burden too. For a marriage to be repaired it must be repaired as friends. To try and fix it out of some arcane duty to family or some bit of headship theology won't cut it.... "Churches that over-emphasize the family aspect end up with warlords whose solution to every problem is submission. Churches that over-emphasize the friend aspect end up with a bunch of church hopping swingers looking for the most accommodating club. Both aspects must be maintained; Jesus as Brother, Jesus as Friend, husband as head, husband as friend."