A Reckoning for Josh Harris and Courtship Culture

Yet another gloating piece about Josh Harris’ apology for I Kissed Dating Goodbye crossed my desk last week, and I’m getting tired of it.

Mainstream conservative Christianity is pushing back hard against any form of courtship, the newly popular dirty word.

Here’s what I think.

Yes, Harris went overboard in swearing off opposite sex relationships completely, and overstating how damaging emotional defrauding can be.

No, his idea of waiting to date until you’re ready to marry is NOT a bad idea.

I wouldn't call it a sin to date before you're ready to marry, but I do consider it less wise than waiting.

Desiring God Ministries thought so a few years ago, too.

I bet they still do.

So what’s going on?  Why are so many so happy to hear Harris recant?

Well, there IS such a thing as an unwritten “purity culture” out there, egged on (but not truly endorsed) by books like this.  It’s an attitude among families and churches that ostracizes young people who mix too freely with the opposite sex.  It implies that if you lose your emotional purity, much more your physical purity, it’s all over for you.  You lost at the “live God’s way” game in your teens and 20s.  Grace is not preached or emphasized because that would take away the motivation of fear.  I’m against this unwritten purity culture - a form of legalism - as much as the next guy.

But I think it’s just as easy to go too far the other way and say that young people should mix socially without any regard for sexual attraction – why can’t we be friends without worrying about that? – to the point of young people of mixed genders living together, convinced that it won’t be a problem.  It’s quite an inconsistency to behold dyed-in-the-wool Calvinists who are very pessimistic about whether they can advance in sanctification at all, be completely confident that their close interactions with girls couldn’t lead to any kind of trouble.

So reveling in recantations like Harris' is just another pendulum swing away from sober wisdom when it comes to preparing for marriage and finding your spouse.