As a pastor for about 20 years now, I’ve seen many people
come to a church, and many people leave a church, in many different ways. Pastors have some insight into this. Here’s mine. Today is part one: How to leave a church
1. Pray about priorities
What are you looking for in a church that is dissatisfying you, where you are? Is that expectation of yours feasible, or is it a pipe dream that the church can’t possibly meet, today or tomorrow? Are you wanting a program for the teens, or a nursery, and the small church you’re considering just doesn’t offer that? Is that a good reason to leave (Phil. 2:4)? What exactly does your teen need, church-wise? Are you looking for deeper teaching, and don’t feel like they offer it (1 Tim. 6:3-5)? (This is often just a guise for, “They don’t teach my pet topics the way I believe them.” Watch out for this. Many people today come to a real church with an agenda pre-set from their online activity.) Or is your church tolerating or spreading unbiblical teaching or deeds (Rev. 2:6, 20)?
2. Talk to a church leader about it, seeking wisdom
Do NOT leave without talking to someone in leadership (Heb. 13:17). This is akin to a teenager running away from home and just never talking to her parents again. It’s a horrific dishonor to the leaders God has placed in your life. First talk to someone, and not just to spout off about your issues with them, but to genuinely seek their wisdom about your concerns. Understand their perspective (1 Peter 5:1-5). Most people will not do this, because of their natural aversion to in-person disagreement, but it remains strongly called for in the body of Christ (Rom. 12:16-18).
3. Don’t spread it around the church
Feel free to say why you’re leaving if asked by anyone, being as charitable as possible for the peace of the church (Prov. 10:12). I’ve heard too many times of the “email everybody in church why we’re so sad to have to leave because we just can’t trust the leadership anymore.” It’s often just slander cloaked in a faux righteousness of disappointment, sadness and pity at the sorry spiritual state of those so-called spiritual leaders. Shake your heads. Walk away. Glance over your shoulder hoping others are following you. Titus 3:9-10.
4. If a personal offense is involved, do as much as you can to
resolve it before leaving
Few people admit this, but most church departures have a personal offense mixed up in them somewhere. Disagreements and conflicts are common in the church (Phil. 4:2-3). The pastor or a member said or did something to you that offended you deeply. Instead of asking them about it, you let it fester until you can’t take it anymore, and you just take off. (Online, they call it ghosting.) Sometimes people will make up an ideological issue, or will assassinate a leader’s character to justify their departure in this way (1 Tim 5:19). Instead, deal with what has actually offended you, directly (Matt 18:15). We all have to keep short accounts to maintain the peace of the church, as far as it depends on us (Eph. 4:26-27).
What are you looking for in a church that is dissatisfying you, where you are? Is that expectation of yours feasible, or is it a pipe dream that the church can’t possibly meet, today or tomorrow? Are you wanting a program for the teens, or a nursery, and the small church you’re considering just doesn’t offer that? Is that a good reason to leave (Phil. 2:4)? What exactly does your teen need, church-wise? Are you looking for deeper teaching, and don’t feel like they offer it (1 Tim. 6:3-5)? (This is often just a guise for, “They don’t teach my pet topics the way I believe them.” Watch out for this. Many people today come to a real church with an agenda pre-set from their online activity.) Or is your church tolerating or spreading unbiblical teaching or deeds (Rev. 2:6, 20)?
Do NOT leave without talking to someone in leadership (Heb. 13:17). This is akin to a teenager running away from home and just never talking to her parents again. It’s a horrific dishonor to the leaders God has placed in your life. First talk to someone, and not just to spout off about your issues with them, but to genuinely seek their wisdom about your concerns. Understand their perspective (1 Peter 5:1-5). Most people will not do this, because of their natural aversion to in-person disagreement, but it remains strongly called for in the body of Christ (Rom. 12:16-18).
Feel free to say why you’re leaving if asked by anyone, being as charitable as possible for the peace of the church (Prov. 10:12). I’ve heard too many times of the “email everybody in church why we’re so sad to have to leave because we just can’t trust the leadership anymore.” It’s often just slander cloaked in a faux righteousness of disappointment, sadness and pity at the sorry spiritual state of those so-called spiritual leaders. Shake your heads. Walk away. Glance over your shoulder hoping others are following you. Titus 3:9-10.
Few people admit this, but most church departures have a personal offense mixed up in them somewhere. Disagreements and conflicts are common in the church (Phil. 4:2-3). The pastor or a member said or did something to you that offended you deeply. Instead of asking them about it, you let it fester until you can’t take it anymore, and you just take off. (Online, they call it ghosting.) Sometimes people will make up an ideological issue, or will assassinate a leader’s character to justify their departure in this way (1 Tim 5:19). Instead, deal with what has actually offended you, directly (Matt 18:15). We all have to keep short accounts to maintain the peace of the church, as far as it depends on us (Eph. 4:26-27).
Pause and reflect before leaving a church. Not because it’s always wrong – there are
times it’s needed. But it’s easy to do
badly, and for the wrong reasons.
Next time I’ll write about how to find and join a church.
Leaving a church should be looked upon as a divorce. There are biblical reasons for divorce, but they are few and profoundly serious. America church hopping is a serious epidemic that needs to be brought into check. I would suggest my opening line as a good place to start.
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