What do I do when my 2 year old throws a tantrum?
What parent of little ones hasn’t faced this? Here are some thoughts.
1.
Remember
the human condition. We have
inherited a sinful nature going all the way back to Adam and Eve. As your child’s physical capabilities grow,
so will her ability to sin. Expect this,
no matter how diligent you are in your home to discipline your children. When the fit starts, maybe you arranged
things badly and can learn from that.
But many times a tantrum comes from sin welling up from within. You haven’t failed as a parent. When you enroll in a math class you should
expect math problems; when you become a parent, expect to deal with sin in your
child.
2.
Trust
God. The first step in solving
this problem is faith. You’re staring
sin right in the face, and it’s in your precious baby! You’re desperate to stop it, and you know you’re
called to deal with it. But remember we
overcome sin only with God’s help. The
toddler tantrum is one of the early indicators for Christian parents that they
are not in full control of their child’s soul.
God is sovereign here as everywhere, so we have to trust Him. But that is not a resigned trust. God has given us promises of blessing for our
children as we trust Him.
3.
Keep
calm, and parent on. What does
faith look like when the tantrum starts?
Keep a calm and strong spirit in response to an emotional child. If you lose it in response to their losing
it, you are not leading but following your child. I don’t care what Montessori says, this is
the death of good parenting. Pleasant
and smiling resistance is the name of the game.
4.
Don’t
let them win. In the long run, “us
against them” is a losing parenting attitude.
But when the child makes it that for this episode, if you give them
their way, you are training them that they can get what they want from you by some
kind of aggressive emoting. Teach them later
the right way to ask for what they want, absolutely. But in the moment, do not give in. Do not reward bad behavior. (It may not be the moment to punish it,
either.) Simply withholding what they
want and not replacing it
with something else to distract them is often the best approach. A minute after they stop, have them ask or
sign respectfully for the same thing, then give it to them. If they cry in the crib because they don’t
want that nap, waiting to go in to them until the screaming fit ends (or at
least pauses) can reinforce in the same way.
Disrespectful clamoring for what you want will not be rewarded. (Parents mostly taught the last two
generations the opposite, and look what it has reaped in the political and
public square of so-called debate!)
5.
Be
patient. Toddlers throwing
tantrums are generally too young to mentally understand abstract concepts like
respect and self-denial, but they are old enough to have learned to exert their
will. This is frustrating to
parents. It takes some months of basic
training where you aren’t sure if your explanations, spankings, or other
artificial consequences are “taking.” Trust
God, and be as consistent as you can. Be
a student of what your child is learning: “what did he just take away from that
episode and my parenting?” Introduce
more extensive negative consequences the older and more able they are to
connect them to their behavior. Tweak
your tactics when needed, and be ready for that next tantrum.
Yes, your children are sinners, and it is dis-heartening
sometimes to see that in such an ugly form.
But Jesus has died to remove the ugly shame and guilt of their tantrum
from God’s sight. You are called to pull
weeds in the garden of your family. May
the Lord give you wisdom and diligence and joy in this calling.
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